Building Trust
To be fair. All parenting is a two-way street. No matter how young a child is, even with a baby, there is a clear correlation between the attention you give and the attention you receive in return.
When friends ask me how I have this tight relationship with my daughters, I always say that it started at my first diaper change.
But in the early stages of parenthood, you can get by only with your yeses and nos.
With teens, you can’t hide your flaws anymore. They smell parents’ BS like hungry sharks. One of the biggest mistakes one can make in parenting a teen is lying. Or hiding the truth, for that matter.
Remember that your children are terrible at doing what you say but great at doing what you do. And boy, they are vigilant.
At the end of the post, I’ll share a story where it blew up on my face.
Leveling With Your Teen
As always, I’ll use myself as an example.
So I just recently (as of 2 years ago) restarted dating. And not just any kind of dating, I tried for the first time in my life online dating. All the things I only heard about. Yes, Tinder and all his friends.
That is just when my two daughters are entering their teen years. In a sense, that means we’re all entering a new world of romantic relationships.
With match notifications came flirtatious conversations.
“Dad, you’re on Tinder?”. To this day, I can’t say if those words were of shock or embarrassment. I’ll have to ask them.
It was a new experience for all of us.
I gave them at least a glimpse of this new dating father.
I would ask them: “What do you think of this one?”
“She’s very outdoorsy. I don’t think it’s a good fit for you. Swipe left.”
“This one is hot. Isn’t she too young? How old is she? Dad…! Swipe left.”
“Look at her hair; she must wear very expensive products. Swipe right.”
You can’t show them everything, of course, but they must feel that you are not hiding things from them. Or else, that will be their default behaviour. That’s when you lose them.
That’s when they don’t tell you about a first crush, kiss, or sex.
If you are married, that’s a great time to tell exactly how you got mom. How was dating in that analog period. Tell them stories of how you fucked up. Talk about other girlfriends you had. About the ones you wanted to have, but they did not reciprocate. Make your love story closer to the ground. More realistic. Closer to what your teens will soon face. Teach them, by your past examples, that it can be a bumpy road. But one worth driving.
The Story Where It Blew Up on My Face
So, the essence of this post is that teen parenting is about building trust. Leveling with them. Sharing your life to make them feel comfortable doing the same.
If you do things right, they will be there to rectify you when you don’t follow the right path.
Here is an example.
The thing is, I have an old friend from college, who became my girlfriend (we confused things), and then my friend again. We lost touch after my marriage. After the divorce, we started talking again. The thing is, I did not mention this friend to the current girlfriend. No, I never cheated anyone in my life, and will not start now. Anyway, on Christmas, the friend sent me a fancy box of chocolate. That, again, I did not mention to the current girlfriend.
One time I was with my daughters and girlfriend when I started saying to my oldest that she was being selfish for not sharing some sweets she had. That’s when she spilled the beans and said that I had a hidden box of chocolate.
She knew the obscure circumstances of that fancy box of chocolate. And taught me a well-deserved lesson.