Why is it so hard for us men to open up about our feelings? I’ll give you a research-based explanation. Tell you the consequences. And how to overcome it.

It all started with one of those “Let’s get together sometime” that lasted at least six months.  My friend and I work across the street from one another; there is a great coffee shop in the corner.  But something prevented us from getting together sometime.  I wasn’t busy, he wasn’t busy.

I texted him for months, as I saw his car parked in front of his office.  He was busy.  That’s what he said, until one day it happened.

We greeted our usual whastups. He apologized for us not meeting sooner, and said things were stressful at work and at home.

We warmed up our conversation on the work subject for a bit.  

As I hovered over the marriage them, seeing if he would open a little, I found him sinking in his chair. He was almost literally getting smaller and smaller.  He clearly wanted to talk; take whatever it was off his chest, but couldn’t.

And why is that? Why couldn’t he talk about what was bothering him? Why, in essence, couldn’t he talk about his feelings?

Simple: we are trained not to do so.  Our general upbringing says it.  We still have to be the stoic, masculine, and silent male.  That is still the cultural expectation. 

This 2024 study shows that men expect more benefits from relationships and strive for a partner more strongly.  Not only that, but men gain more mental and physical health benefits from romantic involvement.  We are less likely to initiate breakups and suffer more from relationship dissolution.  Been there, done that myself.

That is: we tend to be more emotionally dependent on our romantic partner than women do.

That’s because women get more emotional support from their peers than we do.  Women have greater intimacy and self-disclose more to their peers than men.
We all know that women expose their intimacy.  If you think your girl doesn’t talk about your sex life with her friends, rethink it.  The same goes for your fights, flaws, etc.  Your intimacy is never private for them, especially when they need validation from their peers about your perceived bad behavior.

Anyway, the point is that we need emotional support outside of a relationship.  But, for that to happen, we need to learn how to open up.

The first step: find an uninterested third party

It is tough for us men to simply start talking about our feelings.  We don’t even know exactly where to start.  This requires some kind of practice. Sounds strange, but it is true.  The task is even harder if your newfound confidant is someone from your circle.  Or even worse, someone who knows all the people involved in your emotional distress. 

This is where therapy comes in.

Therapy is great, I’ve done it for years.  But for the sake of this article, it is just a training ground.  If you start going and stick to it, that’s wonderful.   

Men’s groups are another great upcoming trend. More on that on another article.

Let your emotions free

This is when things get really interesting.  Prepare yourself for a totally new, profound experience.  Find a friend that you can trust.  Ask him if he can talk.  Prepare him a little.  Don’t just say “come up for some beers”.  He has to come a little prepared for something different than you guys already do.  A little liquor can help break the ice for both.

The rest just improvise.  Be truthful, say what is bothering you.

This friend will feel a new sense of importance and appreciation for your friendship.  The bond between you will go deeper and stronger.  One day, he will be confident enough to come to you for a pair of ears and an open heart.

This is how we rescue men.