Let us face a dark truth: you think you’re good in bed, and every woman with whom you’ve slept just had the best, or at least second-best, orgasm of their life.  Let’s change this euphemism of “people you slept with” to the proper “people you had sex with”.  Anyway.

I, too, thought that of myself.  Pat on the back for me.  After all, I never heard any complaints. 

The problem is, the math is not quite right.  Studies have shown there is an orgasm gap, meaning women have far fewer orgasms than men in sexual intercourse.  We’re talking about straight men and women here, to be clear.

Durex, the condom manufacturer, seems to have this issue as its flagship agenda.  They conducted a study that says straight men have four times as many orgasms as straight women.  As a matter of fact, the company has many creative campaigns geared towards closing that gap. 

This one in particular was done for International Women’s Day in an English pub during a football match.  Whenever there was a “climactic moment” the screen would be tuned off to give men that feeling of missing out.  Very creative.

A more in-depth study, and one that ties with our theme here, was conducted in 2017.  This study concluded that 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasmed when sexually intimate, while only 65% of straight women had the same experience.

Interestingly, this same study found that  86% of lesbian women orgasmed when sexually intimate.  This raises the question: Why do lesbian women orgasm more frequently? 

The study gives us a route: “One possibility is that lesbian women are in a better position to understand how different behaviors feel for their partner (e.g., stimulating the clitoris) and how these sensations build toward orgasm. It is quite possible that lesbian women are less likely than heterosexual men to believe that orgasms are elicited primarily by vaginal sex”

Dr. Laurie Mintz, Emeritus Professor of Psychology, University of Florida, published a book called Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters–And How to Get It. She asked thousands of women: “What is your most reliable route to orgasm?” Only 4% say penetration. The other 96% say clitoral stimulation, alone or paired with penetration.

“The main reason for the orgasm gap, then, is that women are not getting the clitoral stimulation they need.”

Closing the gap

Essentially, this means forgetting what we learned in movies, whatever rating it is (that means you, porn) that women orgasm from intercorse alone.  They don’t!

Clitoris stimulation is paramount.  Let us dive in.

Understanding the Landscape: It’s More Than Just a Button

First things first, let’s get a basic understanding of the clitoris.  What you see is just the tip of the iceberg – the glans. 

Fun fact: the clitoris derives from the Greek word “kleis” which means “key”.  How about that!

As a matter of fact, they the clitoris and the penis develop from the same tissues.  They are called analogous structures.  Looking at the following picture, it is easy to see:

This picture brings the clitoris closer to home. The glans, the visible part, is as sensitive as the glans of our penis. Direct, hard pressure right away can be overwhelming and uncomfortable. Imagine getting the head of your penus squeezed. It needs to be stimulated.

The Golden Rules of Clitoral Stimulation

Start Soft, Build Intensity: This is of the utmost importance. Begin with gentle touches, caresses, and light rubbing around the clitoral hood (the protective fold of skin). Think of it as foreplay for the clitoris. This allows her to become more aroused and the clitoris to become more engorged and less sensitive to direct pressure.

Don’t Neglect the Surroundings: Remember the clitoris isn’t isolated. Stimulating the surrounding vulva, including the labia (lips) and perineum (the area between the vagina and anus), can heighten overall arousal and make clitoral stimulation even more intense.

The Two-Finger Tease: Use one or two fingers to gently stroke and circle the area around the clitoris, occasionally making light contact with the glans itself. Gradually increase pressure as she becomes more aroused.

The Oral Approach: Many women enjoy oral sex focused on the clitoris. Again, start gently with licks and soft suctions around the area before applying more direct attention. Vary the pressure and use your tongue to explore the entire clitoral region.

Avoid Direct, Hard Pressure Too Soon: This can be overwhelming and painful, especially when she’s not fully aroused.

Pay Attention to Her Reactions: This is the most important. Her body language and words are your guide. Don’t just assume you know what feels good.

There Is Always Room For Self-Improvement

Clitoris stimulation is not a one-trick pony. Besides that, if you happen to have many sexual partners, you have to remember that everyone is different. At least slightly different.

There is a wealth of good content available.

When I first got back into the dating pool, I did some very much needed research to up my sex game. There is no shame in looking for information. I feel maybe now is already time to do some recycling.

I went through a lot of videos to put here that would be fun and instructional. Here is one that pretty much summarizes the basics:

There is more “long form” content out there that I can point to later.